Yachiru's Birthday Party
by PK102
Summary: The Gotei 13 is celebrating the birthday of everyone's favorite little lieutenant and, naturally, chaos ensues. Crackfic. Written as a challenge for my friend.


**This was the first story in my one-shot challenge, issued by my friend in class back in our freshman year (so long ago, wow). I believe the items had something to do with pink, soccer, unicorns, and cake. All that is in here, and more, so enjoy the hilarity of Yachiru's birthday party :)**

* * *

"Hold still, Yachiru," Rangiku complained. She had taken it upon herself to beautify the little monster on her birthday. She had already forced her into a nice dress, with clear instructions to keep it clean. Now she was trying to fix her hair, or at least brush it. The cretin just wouldn't sit still. Finally, fed up, she shoved a lollipop in her mouth. It distracted the girl long enough for Rangiku to drag a brush through her hair and stick a princess hat on top.

When she finished she stood up to smooth her dress out. Grabbing the hand of the little lieutenant, she led her outside to where the party was being held. Already the rest of the captains and lieutenants stood outside. The Kurosaki family was also present because they had so graciously lent the shinigami the use of their backyard for the party. All of the attendees looked at the party girl, who smiled in delight.

Yamamoto walked up to Yachiru, addressing her. "Happy birthday, Kusajishi," he began, "this part is for you, so feel free to do whatever you want." A maniacal grin appeared on her face, making everyone sweatdrop. But they couldn't go against Yamamoto's orders.

.

.

.

It was going to be a long day.

Yachiru walked around, watching what the people were doing. Whenever she passed by people would get worried looks and glance at her out of the corner of their eyes, watching her moves. She had no idea why though, so she dismissed it. Walking towards the back, she noticed a ball flying around and, curious, she walked over to investigate. She saw Captain Hitsugaya and that human girl having a mini game of soccer, kicking it back and forth between each other. Now interested, she boldly stepped out into the middle of their game, making Hitsugaya pause before he kicked the ball so he wouldn't hit the birthday girl.

"Do you need something, Kusajishi?" he asked, slightly annoyed and worried by her presence.

She smiled sweetly at him before answering. "What are you playing?" she asked.

The other girl answered. "Soccer," was her curt reply.

"Teach me how to play," she said, more as a demand than a question. The two soccer players glanced nervously at each other before looking back at the small child.

"Uh, well, okay then. Basically all you do is kick the ball around and try to score in the goal, which gets you points. The more points you have at the end of the game decides the winner," Hitsugaya explained, going into lecture mode. When he finished he lightly kicked the ball towards her, so it would stop in front of her feet. "Here, kick it back to me," he said.

She nodded and, comically sticking her tongue out in concentration, reared back to kick the ball. Once her foot made contact the ball was sent flying towards Hitsugaya, who only had time to look shocked before it hit him… _there_. He doubled over in pain, Karin rushing towards him to check if he was all right. He didn't look like he was going to be getting up any time soon, so Yachiru decided to go elsewhere.

"Alright, now it's time for the cake," Rangiku announced, standing by a huge cake that was supposed to be Yachiru's. It was three massive layers, each of them decorated a sickening pink with sprinkles everywhere. Suddenly something pink attacked the cake, along with a "yay!" Rangiku stepped back, shocked, which immediately turned to anger. "Yachiru! You're not supposed to each the cake yet. I have to cut it up and serve it so everyone can have a bit," she said, almost shouting at the little girl.

Innocently, Yachiru turned to look at Rangiku with bits of cake and icing on her face. "No," was all she said, much to Rangiku's confusion.

"What do you mean, 'no?'" she demanded, hands on her hips while she glared at Yachiru's back. Yachiru looked back at Rangiku with an annoyed expression.

"I mean, no. You don't need to cut it up and serve it," she said.

Exasperated, Rangiku was now practically shouting at the birthday girl. "And why don't I need to cut it up?! How else are we supposed to get any?"

"You're not getting any. It's my birthday, and my cake, so I get to eat it," Yachiru said, still stuffing her face.

"What! No, you see here missy, you are going to share this cake. You can't possibly eat it all on your own, so there should be no reason why we can't have some. Now you are going to move out of my way so I can cut whatever is still edible for us to eat," Rangiku said threateningly, holding the cutting knife dangerously.

Yachiru's eyes narrowed as she looked at Rangiku, repeating what she'd said earlier. "No," she said, and as Rangiku was about to make an angry retort, she threw whatever cake she'd had in her hand at the busty lieutenant, shocking her. Rangiku said nothing, looking from Yachiru to her ruined dress, back and forth between the two with surprise clear on her face.

"Why you little –" Rangiku began, but was cut off by a shadow appearing from behind her. Of course, it was none other than the captain of the 11th, Kenpachi Zaraki. Rangiku gulped as she turned around slowly to face the beast behind her.

"What's going on here?" he asked, making Rangiku yelp.

Yachiru smiled happily as she licked cake off her fingers before replying. "Boobies made me a cake!" she said brightly. Rangiku nodded, going along with whatever the girl said; she did not want to get on Zaraki's bad side.

"Really?" Rangiku nodded faster.

"Yes, although Ichigo's sister actually made it. You know, I should probably go thank her, and maybe change clothes. Goodbye, Yachiru," she said, though a little forced, before dashing off to the house to change from her ruined party dress.

Yachiru wandered about for a bit more, until Rangiku again called everyone's attention. "Okay, now that…Yachiru's had cake she can open her presents," she announced, gesturing to the pile for the birthday girl. Squealing, Yachiru jumped at the packages and began opening them like crazy while Rangiku made no more attempts to stop her behavior. Yachiru would shred open the packages, glance at the contents before tossing them aside and move to open the next. Almost all of them contained some form of candy; all except one, the very last. Yachiru looked at it with wonder as she tried to decide if it was edible or not.

"Those are Barbie dolls, not candy," Yuzu said, walking up to the confused shinigami. Yachiru pouted for a bit and was about to toss them aside when Yuzu offered to play with her.

"What do we do with them?" she asked, holding the two dolls out.

Yuzu grabbed one of them, the Barbie doll, and began fiddling with her hair as she explained. "You can play house with them, or you could pretend to go shopping, or get married, or anything you want," she said.

Yachiru looked at the Ken doll in her hands with newfound curiosity as an idea formed in her mind. She smiled at Yuzu, who smiled back encouragingly. "Oh, I know, you can be the damsel-in-distress, and I can be the evil boyfriend who kidnapped her," Yachiru said brightly.

Yuzu's smile faltered for a moment before returning, deciding to just go with the idea. In a fake voice, she played the part Yachiru had set up for her. _"_ _Oh help me, someone, anyone! I've been kidnapped by my boyfriend!"_ she said dramatically, making Barbie pretend to swoon.

 _"_ _Hahaha, no one will come to save you,"_ Yachiru said with an evil voice, grinning while she waved Ken about. _"_ _You are all alone, with no one to stop me. And now, you will die!"_ she said, grabbing the Ken doll and beating the Barbie doll with it, startling Yuzu, who dropped the doll and ran away crying to her sister. Yachiru stayed there, beating Barbie to a pulp. Once completely demolished, Yachiru looked at the dolls sadly. Both had taken substantial damage in the onslaught, rendering them now useless. "How are you supposed to play with them if they break so easy? Now I can't torture her anymore," she said as she chucked them behind her, startling Isane, who happened to be walking by. She jumped about a foot in the air as she saw the mangled dolls on the ground, smiling creepily.

Bored once again, Yachiru was walking around the party, looking for a certain old man. He was standing off to the side by the trees, and it seemed he was hiding something. She walked over to him and grabbed the side of his shirt, tugging to get his attention. He smiled down at her once he finally realized she was there. "Ah, Lieutenant Kusajishi, how are you enjoying your party?" he asked conversationally.

Happily, she recounted all of her adventures, and by the end the head-captain was slightly disturbed. "What's that you're hiding?" she asked, pointing behind him.

He looked behind him and smiled, her story forgotten. "Well, it's a unicorn of course, for you to play with," he explained, gesturing to the fancy white horse in the shadows.

Smiling, she hopped on the horse, bouncing slightly. But her smile started to falter when the horse stayed stationary. "It's not moving," she said, frowning a little.

The head-captain laughed. "It's not supposed to. You have to use your imagination when you play with it," he said.

She was still frowning and shaking her head. "No. I want a real unicorn," she complained, making the head-captain sweat slightly.

"Uh, well, Kusajishi, there are no such things as unicorns. They don't exist," he said, slightly flustered by her reaction. Didn't all little girls like unicorns?

"I want a real unicorn!" she demanded, her voice getting louder. A few shinigami nearby looked at them questioningly, to which the head-captain just waved them off. Suddenly he felt something jump onto his back, siting on his shoulders. Then he felt something else being placed on his head, and when he looked up he saw it was the hat she had been wearing, except instead of being straight up it was pointed outwards, like a horn. She grinned down at him, saying "Unicorn."

He sighed as he tried to pull her off his shoulders, only to have her latch on to his head, refusing to let go. "Kusajishi, please let go," he asked nicely, though her arms didn't disappear.

"Not until you play unicorn with me," she said. He sighed in defeat, which she took as a yes. Smiling, she explained the game. "All you have to do is gallop around while making horse noises with me on your back. Now go," she commanded.

Shaking his head, Yamamoto began walking around the yard, ignoring the glances coming his way. "No no no, you're not doing it right. You have to _gallop_ and make noises," she said, but Yamamoto refused to comply. Eventually, however, the head-captain of the Gotei 13 was galloping around the backyard while making horse noises, all to amuse a little girl on her birthday. Many of the shinigami present were laughing at the scene that was the head-captain, who was now thoroughly embarrassed.

Soon after, the head-captain practically pulled an ecstatic Yachiru off his shoulders, 'gently' placing her back on the ground before storming away. He probably wasn't going to show his face for the rest of the party.

Yachiru just grinned as she walked off to have more fun.

~ extra ~

Captain Hitsugaya and Rangiku were in their offices, Toshiro resting on the couch from his earlier injury and Rangiku sitting at her desk because the couch was taken. She still wasn't doing any paperwork though.

Suddenly Toshiro spoke up from his place on the couch. "We are never again throwing that little monster a party ever again, no matter what the head-captain says." Rangiku couldn't help but agree with him; that had been a disaster.


End file.
